Dysfunctional Behavior In Relation

There is an English saying about relationships: ” Birds of a feather flock together”,  which in Norwegian means “birds of a feather flock together”. It describes in a way how the choice of people you surround yourself with usually follows unconscious patterns. These are usually derived from the emotional relationship of a person and their parents, especially during childhood. Thus, dysfunctional behavior between parents and children can damage the relationships with the latter in the future and lead to what psychology describes as contrived behavior.

In its origins, the concept of contrived behavior is present in the studies of the Austrian psychologist Paul Watzlawick. He used it in his theory of human communication. In retrospect, psychotherapist Henry V. Dicks, in his work Marital Tensions, introduced the concept of cooperation in marital relationships.

However, it was the Swiss psychiatrist and psychotherapist Jurg Willi who popularized the term colossal, or dysfunctional behavior in a relationship, to refer to involuntary and dysfunctional behavior among members.

This type of behavior manifests itself in marital conflicts. In addition, such toxic and unconscious dynamics bring the two members of the relationship together.

According to Willi, contrived behavior forms a “common unconsciousness” in a relationship. In it, the conflict is repeated again and again in order of distance or closeness.

The members of a relationship cannot tolerate separation, but neither can intimacy. This causes them to feel suffocated when they are together and have separation anxiety when they are apart.

Thus, the members in a relationship go from being individuals to becoming a hermetic unit where the individual boundaries overlap and establish toxic behavior. Thus, one can not talk about an individual pathology. Instead, it is a pathology of the relationship.

Dysfunctional behavior: Constructed polarity in a relationship

In the constructed dyadic dynamics, each member of a relationship manifests a polarized role. That is, each person recreates a function of the division of active-passive, submissive-dominant, and addictive-independent behaviors. Silence leads the good qualities of one member of the relationship to inactivity in the other.

In other words, the weak member has a regressive and immature attitude, and the most active member represents a progressive role or a false maturity. This is because one of them takes on the adult role in relation to the other. Thus, the pair gather in a vicious defensive cycle.

Constructed play in a relationship usually stems from repressed and unhealed emotional wounds from childhood. Both members need the other for a mutual cure of frustrations and unfulfilled desires during childhood.

Each spouse expects the other to save them from their own internal conflicts. That they should free them from past fears and heal the existing wounds in any loving or fatherly relationship that was not satisfactory.

In an attempt to solve each other’s emotional wounds, they step into the same ineffective patterns and the same difficulties over and over again. Everything to solve marital and individual problems. However, it leads to pain, disappointment and mutual guilt and fear.

There are reprimanding phrases like “I am this way because of you”. The paradox of this conjugal situation is that neither partner really wants to change anything about themselves. Instead, they emphasize the seriousness of a given situation.

Constructed games: The exit door

Constructed games in a relationship are traps that perpetuate toxic mechanisms of guilt, reprimand, and insecurity. In fact, a couple is rarely inside an exit door.

In a marital crisis, one can thus either remain in a toxic relationship in a contrived way. The alternative is to no longer participate in the said games and break the marriage completely.

Another option is also the option to go to a therapist. They should be able to lead the members in a relationship to a solution based on the difficulty they have experienced.

However, you can only build love when you let go of expectations and begin to recognize each other as equals.

Forging expectations that it is impossible to meet and not take responsibility for one’s own injuries can only lead to frustrations. They actually introduce a couple to a sick chaos that is capable of destroying any person’s self-esteem.

You have to remember that a couple is the great love school where you can learn to fall and get up. In addition, you must also learn to develop all the human potential you have inside you,  but always with respect for each member’s perspective.

There is usually a belief that the success of a couple means that they stay together forever. However, the secret may be the opposite. In other words, it should only last as long as it is healthy.