How To Understand And Overcome Feelings Of Jealousy
Do you have feelings of jealousy? Let’s face it, even if it’s not our intention, we are sometimes most jealous of those we love. But if we realized what was at stake, we would make a conscious effort to avoid this negative feeling. At some point in our lives, we all feel jealous or envious of other people. However, it is when we begin to act on the feelings of jealousy that it becomes unhealthy and potentially dangerous.
In fact, since the dawn of time, jealousy has been as widespread as love. It is a central and common theme in many films and other art forms throughout history. For example, the brilliant English playwright and poet Shakespeare called it the green-eyed monster. Biblically, jealousy is also a common story. Think of Cain and Abel, Adam’s two sons. Cain killed his younger brother in a jealous rage.
Maybe it’s not quite as romantic to talk about or express it if you have it. However, it is something we all inevitably feel – to some degree – but prefer to keep quiet about. When we are consumed by the pervasive idea that we lack things, we slowly become blind to what we already have, and we become ungrateful for these gifts. Let us therefore stop defining jealousy.
First, there is resentment that someone is enjoying success or benefit. Second, there is the fear of losing something you feel is yours (right or wrong) to someone else, such as your spouse, best friend, colleague, etc. Ralph Hupka, a professor of psychology at California State University, says, “Jealousy is an expectant feeling. It seeks to prevent losses. “
So what is the core of YOUR feelings of jealousy? Nothing can ruin a relationship faster than jealousy. In the same way, no one wants a jealous partner, sibling, colleague or friend. And no one likes to feel jealous or live out their jealousy with bizarre, hurtful behavior. The ever-pressing questions are: How can we overcome it? What should we do to better address jealousy? Here are a few steps you should try:
Understand your triggers
Jealousy in a relationship is really about your own vulnerabilities more than about the person’s actions. For example, you may be prone to jealousy if you have had painful experiences in your past. It is important to talk to your partner or friend about these experiences. Therefore, you want to be aware of each other’s triggers and respect them.
Low self-esteem or low self-esteem can drive feelings of jealousy. If you do not feel attractive and confident, it is hard to believe that your partner loves and appreciates you. In other words, unrealistic expectations often cause jealousy. It is not healthy for partners or friends to spend 100% of their time together. In fact, according to author Kahl il Gibran, “you need space in unity to maintain your bond.”
Remember that emotions are not facts. Do you envision things that are not really there? I encourage my clients to ask themselves, “Is that so?” or “Is it really happening?” If the answer is no, let go of the negative thoughts. Most importantly, acknowledge them before you deliberately reject them.
Feelings of jealousy can be problematic if they affect your behavior. In the same way if they affect your feelings towards the relationship as a whole. Here are some signs of unhealthy jealous behavior:
- Check the person’s phone or email without permission
- Insult the person
- Assume that your spouse is not attracted to you
- Interrogate the person about where they are staying during the day
- Accuse the person of lying without proof
If you recognize any of these behaviors in your relationship, try to understand the vulnerabilities underlying. If you need a little extra help with this, we recommend working under the guidance of a highly trained therapist.
Use the jealousy for something good
First, jealousy in any relationship is also a very real and reasonable reaction to the person’s actions. Remember that in a good enough relationship, people have high expectations of how they will be treated. In other words, they expect to be treated with kindness, love, affection and respect. Finally, they also expect loyalty and honesty from the other person.
If the answer to the question “Is that so?” is yes, then it is important to take action. Therefore, tell the person how you feel before your feelings of jealousy turn to anger. When you bring it up, stick to “I” statements. So avoid saying things like “You always do” or “You never do”. Talk about your feelings about the specific situation and avoid making claims about the character of your partner.
Finally, say what you need, not what you do not need. For example, “I feel anxious when I do not know where you are or who you are with when you are out. I need you to send me a text message and let me know. “
Therefore, the more you talk, the healthier your relationship will be. Is there a particular relationship that makes you uncomfortable? Do you find that talking to your partner is like talking to a wall or that your partner’s behavior has recently changed?
You should be open and honest with each other about friendships and working relationships. Therefore, openness will help you feel more secure. Are you still unsure of boundaries? A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself, “How would I feel if my partner had such a conversation with someone else?” If it would hurt you, your partner crossed a line.
In the same way, you can show how much you value each other by putting your relationship ahead of your work and your friends. Every time you do this, you build trust. By understanding what drives your feelings and taking into account each other’s loving vulnerabilities, you are using jealousy for something good.
Be honest
Do you struggle with feelings of jealousy? Your partner has probably already noticed this. The most important thing is that your partner most likely also contributes to the problem. However, by practicing effective communication, you will fully recognize your contribution. But also hold your partner accountable, and give them the opportunity to support you while you work on a solution.
In other words, be emotionally intelligent with yourself first and those who are important to you. No one can read your mind. If you feel jealous, be open with yourself about your intentions. Do you feel more deserving of being in the new position at work? Do you have reason to believe that your partner is unfaithful? Have you been deceived before? Unfortunately, we are often unaware of what is happening unconsciously.
Therefore, it is up to you to find the root of your insecurity and then address it. Do not hide it, as it does not have to be a deep secret you carry. In the same way, it is important to trust each other. Jealousy stems from a lack of trust. For example, a lack of trust in the life process, in your partner and in yourself.
In addition, lack of trust breeds insecurity, which creates jealousy. In fact, we suffocate these feelings because they are unpleasant. It’s a vicious circle. As long as your mind and energy are focused on what you can lose, that’s exactly what will happen. Finally, this is the cold hard truth of jealousy: It is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Think about what your feelings of jealousy tell you
Psychology Today offers a family therapist a view on how to stop feelings of jealousy in a relationship, “Instead of seeing jealousy as a problem, look at it as a solution.” Believe it or not, jealousy is a window of opportunity we can look through for clarity. And this applies to any relationship problem. Therefore, instead of cutting out the jealous behavior directly, try to understand it first.
What problem is jealousy trying to solve? If you feel jealous because your partner broke your trust, the breach of trust is the real problem. Similarly, if you project your insecurities to your partner, it is your insecurities that need attention. If you are jealous of your partner’s successes, there may be an unhealthy element of competition that you need to eliminate.
Whatever the reason, look at jealousy as a “solution.” Working your way back from there will help you get to the bottom of the matter. You learn how to stop being jealous in a relationship. By getting to the real problem, you can solve it to find lasting relief. Most importantly, think about the source of your uncertainty.
Mastering how to stop being jealous in a relationship is a matter of healing the wounds of the past. Are you struggling with jealousy due to an unresolved issue such as childhood trauma or addiction? If so, get the support you need to overcome it. With the right help, you can turn your battles into sources of strength.
Build healthy coping skills
Unfortunately, it is often difficult to let go of feelings of jealousy if you do not have healthier ways of relating to others. But since your partner does not give you a reason to be jealous, it’s about finding the source. For example, past infidelity or frequent lies. So realize that you do not need jealousy, you are just used to it. In the same way, you can practice self-care and nurture your physical, emotional and mental health.
When you prioritize healthy coping mechanisms, they become the norm and eventually replace jealousy. It is important that you prevent yourself from focusing on what you do not have. On the other hand, shift the perspective to the fact that your desires reveal themselves through your actions. The big question and the hard truth is, “How do you spend your days?” What you want should be a source of inspiration, which gives power.
For example, motivation and the ability to work towards a goal, no matter how big or small. Do you have feelings of jealousy? Jealousy is an exceptionally powerful tool if used to drive yourself to get what you want most. Do not let yourself be plagued by envy. On the other hand, use this envious energy to help you work towards what will give you what you want. And less of what you feel you are missing.
In short, emotions are simply something you experience. But you do not have to become them. See your feelings of jealousy as a sign that something in you guarantees your consciousness. Therefore, bring it to consciousness and use it for positive change. Be it in your relationship with yourself or those you care about the most.
