Separation Anxiety From An Intimate Partner

Although all marital breakdowns are painful, the intensity varies depending on the relationship. Some fractures leave scars. However, others can become truly pathological. When an individual bases their relationship on absolute emotional dependence, a breakup can result in something we call separation anxiety from an intimate partner.

Until very recently, the concept of separation anxiety was seen as a problem exclusively for children. It refers to children’s increased anxiety when they are separated from the caregivers. Going to school, parents at work or even sleeping alone causes anxiety and anguish.

In families with overprotective parents, for example, this type of behavior is common. That said, fear and despair about being separated from the person you are associated with can also occur in adulthood. Therefore, many adults experience particularly devastating symptoms when their romantic relationship ends.

Excessive anxiety, fear, psychosomatic symptoms, insomnia, constant worry… People in these defenseless states require a special type of psychological approach. Let’s take a closer look.

Separation anxiety from an intimate partner: symptoms, causes and strategies

When you love someone, it can hurt to be separated from them for a few days. However, some people experience these feelings very intensely, until they are traumatic.

Evolutionary psychologists believe that the connection between intimate partners has the same transcendence as the connection between parents and their children. In fact, the same neurochemicals are at work: oxytocin, vasopressin and dopamine, among others.

Lisa Diamond, a social psychologist at the University of Utah, researches such connections. Her studies show that there are many similarities between parent-child relationships and intimate partner relationships. You need to be close to your loved one. You take care of them, care for them and try to ensure their well-being. However, this attachment can easily become unhealthy. In fact, it can become downright obsessive.

So much so that it can cause serious emotional problems. This in turn can lead to separation anxiety from an intimate partner. This happens largely because the brain treats the experience as a threat, as something traumatic. Your body releases so much cortisol, which triggers a wide range of physical and mental symptoms.

What is separation anxiety from an intimate partner?

Sometimes we are not dealing with a single case of anxiety. If it persists over time and gives a number of concrete features, it is probably a case of separation anxiety disorder.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) includes these conditions in the category of anxiety disorders.

Separation anxiety disorder can lead to any of the following attitudes and behaviors:

• Elevated stress and anxiety.
• Repeated attempts to get in touch with the former partner and to revive the relationship.
• Refuses to accept that the relationship is over.
• Increased emotional distress, as well as inability to go through a normal grieving process.
• Difficulty sleeping.
• Inability to return to normal life. Anxiety can even disrupt work to the point that the individual stops going to work.
• Changes in diet and appetite (eating too much or not enough).
• Psychosomatic diseases such as digestive problems, abdominal pain and headaches.

What causes these disorders?

Some people are better at dealing with violations than others. Some people take a long time to get over the end of a relationship. For a small part of the population, a breakup also completely destroys their lives.

This is the case for people with separation anxiety from an intimate partner. On average, these men and women tend to share certain specific features:

• Having a dependent personality. In other words, they have an excessive and disproportionate attachment to their partner. In more extreme cases, the individual is likely to have a dependent personality disorder. This condition implies an excessive need for attention and care. This need often leads to situations of increased submission.
• In some cases, a person with separation anxiety may also have a borderline personality disorder. Here is the individual’s greatest fear of being abandoned. This pathological fear is the origin of most of their problems. Therefore, a breakup is extremely traumatic.
• Let us not forget people who developed unhealthy and anxious attachments from childhood. These types of bonds are defined by insecurity, feelings of unrest, a need to own the other person and co-dependence.

Treatment for separation anxiety from an intimate partner

The therapeutic approach to separation anxiety in a relationship will depend on each unique case. Dealing with an individual who has attachment problems is very different from one with a borderline personality disorder. Nevertheless, cognitive behavioral therapy has proven useful in a number of cases for several reasons:

KAT helps the individual to learn coping strategies to deal with anxiety.
The patient will be able to better deal with the grief associated with the breakup.
It provides tools for the patient to develop their emotional and relational skills, as well as enhanced self-esteem.

CAT helps the patient learn to avoid repeating this pattern of emotional dependence.

In conclusion, while it is true that fractures are never easy, it is important to be aware of these unhealthy extremes. Taking a passive stance and letting yourself be engrossed in sadness is the worst option. If you are struggling, do not hesitate to get professional help.