Like Or Complementary: What Is The Best Partner?

Equal or complementary: This is the question many ask when looking for a partner. While some believe that “opposites attract each other”, others will avoid conflicts that differences can lead to at all costs.

The truth is that there are both advantages and disadvantages. Those who believe that it is better to have a relationship with someone who is different, and thus complementary, cite the example that two irritable people will always end up disagreeing.

Those who would rather look for a partner who is similar to themselves, point out that sooner or later the differences will manifest themselves and break up the relationship.

Other people run a middle ground. According to them, it will not matter if their partner is similar or complementary to themselves. They say that the most important thing is the right balance: Equal in some things, and complementary in others. What does psychology tell us about this?

The beauty of opposites

When a person does not have a positive perception of themselves, they will often attract those who are different. You will look for an opportunity to project a type of person you want to be on that person. 

For example, a person who feels that they are always going unnoticed will try to make their partner become a very popular person.

There are also cases with those who are looking for someone to depend on, rather than someone to create a real relationship with. They are basically insecure and fearful people who need someone else’s strength to protect themselves or get the support they need. In principle, this is not necessarily a negative thing if it helps the person to grow and mature. But if it leads to addiction, it will create a very unhealthy relationship. 

Many people who think about whether they need someone similar or complementary themselves, end up choosing the latter, as they consider the relationship as a team. Sometimes it can be compared to a business. This is why those they believe (with the emphasis on “believe”) that it is better to combine strengths and weaknesses to achieve common goals.

Equal or complementary?

Science has wondered if it is better for couples to be equal or complementary. The University of Kansas conducted a study with 1523 couples. They found that in 86% of cases, couples lasted the same length of time.

Another study from the University of Michigan came to a similar conclusion. Apparently, what makes a difference here is that there is agreement when it comes to aspects such as personality, values, attitudes, hobbies, alcohol intake and the use of technology.

Everything points to the fact that sometimes people are attracted to what is different. This produces a certain curiosity in them, and they see it as an opportunity to explore new emotional territories. But over time, what was once news begins to become a barrier. Differences then create negative emotions in the relationship.

Openness and flexibility

The debate over whether equal or complementary is best is actually a bit artificial. There is no way to find a partner who is completely like ourselves. Nor one that perfectly complements what is missing in our lives. The reality is that each person confirms and contrasts with us at the same time.

It should also be noted that all research in this area indicates that similarities in basic tastes and attitudes are very important. Yet there are always aspects where one has to give in. The most stable couples are those who can relax together.

With that said, differences between couples can also be healthy. It is a factor contributing to common growth. Much of our love life has to do with how these differences are treated.

When these differences are few and small, there is a high probability that the couple will be able to achieve this in a satisfactory way. However, if the differences are very large, there is a greater chance that they will be difficult to resolve. 

Equal or complementary: Our conclusion

So what is our answer to the question of whether it is better to be equal or complementary? We will say both . We should be equal in essence, but complementary based on voluntary and conscious agreement.

That’s what love is all about: finding a balance between self-affirmation and helping to affirm the other person.