Family Reunions – Like Becoming Someone You Are No Longer

Sometimes family reunions can make you feel like you are no longer or that you never were. For your parents, you may still be the indecisive child or the rebellious backbiting youth. It does not matter that you are an independent adult. Sometimes, for your parents, you are still the same child you were 20 years ago.

People often say that there is no bigger storm than the one produced in classic family reunions during holidays or Christmas holidays. Still, and as you already know, families come in all shapes and sizes. In some of them, harmony, great respect and a good sense of humor are paramount. While in others gnaws are stuck like little thorns in the stiff dysfunctional bonds. Bonds that suffocate and oppress every family member.

However, it is a phenomenon that not many people talk about. Today and due to the economic crisis, it is common to see many young adults who were previously independent, who now have no choice but to move back to the family home.

The feeling of failure in the professional world is often added to times when you again have to accept a role you had left behind. A role that sometimes arises from the family that is dynamic has little to do with the person they are at the moment.

The family and its unconscious setup

For your parents, uncles, aunts or grandparents, part of your childhood is still remaining. You are still, somehow, the middle child. The child who spent half his life imitating his older brother and deviating from the concessions of the younger one. That person may even have memories of what people used to call their “bad temper”. Because they used to be too stubborn, uncontrollable and unruly.

When, in fact, that temperament is what may have made you who you are now. Proactive, creative, dynamic… all of which are qualities that give you great satisfaction. Traits that you used to experience as negative due to the constant comments from your parents. Comments that encouraged you to change, to “improve” yourself, until you discovered that you did not have to. Because they were not wrong, they were authentic virtues.

But, and this happens quite often, it can be difficult to move home or go to family reunions. You just say or do something, and that’s all it takes to hear the old words. “See how stubborn and unwieldy you are. What a bad mood! Where could you have gotten it from? ”

The present no longer matters

Almost without knowing how to sink back into your old role, the role of the rebellious or conformist child. Your performance now does not matter. How proud you may be of yourself does not matter. Because in many families there is an unconscious tendency to return members to their previous roles. To the position that was built and shaped by the parents.

This type of phenomenon is very common and actually has a very interesting explanation. The University of Illinois explains that in the family system, almost nothing works independently.

This is without a doubt a very complicated situation if you find yourself having to move back home due to personal or financial problems.

You need to interact with your family as the adult you are now

Sometimes it is enough to just cross the border into the family home to feel like you have traveled back in time. At times, that feeling is comfortable… even comforting. But for many people, it means having to dive into unresolved conflicts. To go into differences that created distances as large as the entire oceans. Sometimes it even means having to take on a role you had previously let go of.

• Try not to fall into these “bear traps”. The best way to return to this core family is to be who you are now: a mature adult. Be the adult you are, with all the real experiences you have had in life. Hold on to all your lessons, virtues and strengths.

• This is how you can meet these pre-concepts and even the archetypes that were once formed by your parents. Ludvig is an athlete. Karoline is rebellious. Albert is the one who was bullied at school, the one that others had to protect.
• However, it is possible that Ludvig secretly wrote poetry all his life and now wants to open a bookstore. Maybe Karoline was not very rebellious at all, and was just angry for most of her youth. It is even possible that Albert, the thin boy who used to be teased, has now completed his education and training to become a police officer.

Get your family to accept who you are now

The person you were, or the person that others thought you were in the past, has very little to do with who you are now. And that is something that must be accepted by the people around you. It is up to you to make them see and experience this fact, and try not to resume the role that the family expects of you. That way, you can change the patterns of the past that only seem to lead to dissatisfaction.

Because few things are healthier than a family that enjoys the freedom to show who they are.